healing

The Slow Road to Healing a Heartbreak | Poetry and Article

7:30 PM

 "i miss the days when" —a poem of longing 

I wrote this poem in the midst of the lockdown last year. Stuck in the four corners of the room, I began to flashback and zoom in on how happy I was as a child. It would be bliss to be that carefree again, wouldn't you agree? No bills to pay, no success to chase, no people to please, no "so much hard work" to do. It was clear to me that I longed to be a child again. And it was more clear that I had to do something to make that child-in-me happy again. I've realized that the story of #adulting is indeed true—we wrap ourselves in our work, in our career, in our money-making, and we lose our joy and bliss along the way. It is so (so, so) sad. Terribly sad. 




"i miss the days when"
 
i miss
the days when we can dance in the rain
like no one's watching. nobody can take
a photo of us looking stupid playing and
giggling amidst the thunder and lightning. now
we cannot dance in the rain anymore, it
is easy to feel like you're being constantly
watched by everyone around. one click
away and the next thing you know you're
on some timeline of some friend you barely
even remember.



i miss
the days when we can run barefoot amidst
the heat of the midday sun in the summer,
laughing at each other for failing to steal
the coins in your mother's purse. now we
cannot go around the neighborhood without
the fear of some random homeless person
who kidnaps children, for God knows what
reasons.
 

 
 
i miss
the nights when we lie down in the grassy
lawn of Noy Kanor, the infinite stars our
blanket and both our hands, the pillows.
 
i miss
us talking about our dreams. "when i grow up
i want to be" were words that shaped our
childhood.
 
i miss
you telling me about your dreams. you've
always wanted to be "happy", you told me.
i joked and replied, "no, i meant, what
do you want to become in the
future," and laughed at you for telling me
that's what you wanted to be in the future.
 
i miss
you being so wise. you were always the
smart kid everyone wants to be friends
with. and i was always the kid who is
never taken seriously by almost everyone
because i mostly joke myself around.
 
i miss
you being my best friend. you seem to me
like a wizard. you've magic. you always know
what i need before i tell you i need it. i love
you for being who you are. i love myself
when i'm around you.
 


 
i miss
us.
i miss
the child versions of us.
the ones who were always optimistic and
cheerful. who were always smiling even
when both knees cut open from falling
from the Sambag tree. who seemed to not
care about what the world sees them to be.
who seemed always jubilant about almost
anything. who always knew how to enjoy
life. who saw wonders in everything. who
looked at the world in awe. always
laughing and smiling at the face of adversities.
i miss
them. the children who lived before us. i
miss
us.
i miss
the child versions of us.
i hope to see them one day, very
soon.
and i wish to talk to them.
and ask them how to go on living
this life.
i miss

us.

The Slow Road to Healing a Heartbreak

 

It's funny how a lot changes when we're "grown-ups". There are days I miss the innocence and full-on trust I had when I was a little child. Don't you miss it, too? Adulthood robs your sweet trusting self when it hands you doubts and pain and disappointments and hurts and more doubts that no matter how hard you try to avoid, they keep coming back, only a lot worse than the previous ones you had. Indeed a vicious cycle.

 

Pain makes us hard and tough and hurtful and terrible to both ourselves and others. It blinds us to see any goodness there is—how can there be goodness when life seems unfair and all it ever does is hurt you and break your dear heart?

 


How great it would be if we still had our childhood bliss and sense of wonder & awe and give our trust and love to everyone we meet as we grow up—as adults. The way a child runs to that slide and slides anyway, trusting his/her parent to be there to catch him/her. If only.

If only. But then again, we live in a broken, imperfect world, and so wishing for this would be fairy tale—it's only for books, it never happens in real life. To wish for a fair, all-good world is to wish for heaven to happen on earth. And we all know that's not how it works.

 


I have tried to push away pain and suffering and strive so hard to make sense of everything by "looking at the bright side" of almost everything. There's always a silver lining, I thought. But by doing so, I didn't think I had caused more harm than good— I treated Sadness, Pain, Suffering and Heartbreaks like they were invalid experiences that I have to dismiss them as soon as they knock on my heart.

 



It took a long time for me to be able to be at peace with my own suffering. I've learned—the hard way—that in order to heal from the heartbreaks, I have to let my dear heart... break. B-R-E-A-K. To listen to the sound of my heart breaking. Ever so slowly. Like my favorite slow sad song that makes me burst into tears. To listen intently. To be there-—to be present. To be at peace with the sound of grief and mourning and sorrow and loss and pain. And embrace it—fully. And not to look for band aids or cure it immediately while IT IS STILL BREAKING. Many people make that mistake. They treat pain as something to be cured instead of to be experienced (it is natural for humans to be wounded and scarred in her/his lifetime).




When they say time heals all wounds, I beg to slightly disagree. Acceptance and surrender, along with time, heals our (deepest, unspoken) wounds. It is only when we accept that we're vulnerable and human and that we have been hurt and we can also hurt-- to accept all that we are as humans; it is the only way that leads to true and lasting healing of the heart. It is when we learn to let go and surrender and give all our hurts to God that we can ~slowly~ truly heal from all the pain we have been carrying like a badge of honor.

 



Embrace the pain of the broken heart. Let it break. Let it hurt. Cry. Wail. Grieve. Mourn. Deal with the pain. Do not dismiss and bury the brokenness by trying to be busy in your life or your career or your passion or your love—do not hide your pain. It will only make it worse. It will pile up and one day you will explode in your own sorrow. So, do yourself a favor and deal with the brokenness. Now. Do not try to fix it. Experience it—there is a magnificence in the vulnerability of a person who listens to her/his heart breaking. Not doing anything. Just "being." After all we are human beings and not human doings, right? And then you can let it go. Surrender. Do not remain broken.



It is only when we embrace the fact that while we are alive we can always be hurt and we can also hurt others that we get to fully understand the path to healing the deepest recesses of our broken, weary, beaten hearts filled with seemingly endless pain and suffering. It is only when we learn to embrace and let go and surrender.

 

 


 

"You cannot be alive very long without being wounded. Broken hearts cannot be avoided in this beautiful yet dangerous world we live in." -John & Stasi Eldredge 

 

‘Til the next post, loves! Remember that you are loved beyond borders and beyond time & space. Okay? Okay. 🥰️

 

Ciao for now! 🤗



Thank you for visiting my blog! :) You just made my day!

You Might Also Like

0 comments